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A student writing in a notebook at a table beside a bright window
health-inequality-essay.docx
Draft 2

This essay will discuss the various factors that can be said to have had an impact on Three forces drive health inequality in urban areas.

Comment · writing coach

Your opening is clearing its throat. Name the three forces in this sentence and your marker knows from line one that you have an argument — not just a topic.

You keep the draft, the changes and the reasoning. You accept or reject every one.

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Structure

An opening that clears its throat

Before

This essay will discuss the various factors that can be said to have had an impact on health inequality in urban areas.

After

Three forces drive health inequality in urban areas: housing quality, transport access, and how primary care is distributed.

Why

Name the forces in your first sentence and the marker knows from line one that you have an argument, not just a topic.

Critical analysis

A paragraph that describes instead of arguing

Before

Smith (2019) says social media harms wellbeing. Jones (2021) says it does not. Patel (2022) found mixed results.

After

Smith (2019) and Jones (2021) disagree because they measure wellbeing differently — one by self-report, the other by clinical screening. Patel’s (2022) mixed findings follow directly from combining both instruments.

Why

Listing three sources is description. Explaining why they disagree is analysis — the thing your rubric means by “critical”.

Referencing

An in-text citation with too much in it

Before

(Smith, J. 2019, The Social Brain, pg 44)

After

(Smith, 2019, p. 44)

Why

APA 7 wants surname, year and “p.” — no initials, no title. Six of these across an essay is enough to move you down a grade boundary.

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